We repeat what we do not repair.
Do you ever find yourself doing the same thing time and time again, even when you know it’s not the best thing for you?
This could look like having the same or similar type of relationships, not only with others, but also yourself, addictions or activities for example.
It can be frustrating and upsetting, we might promise ourselves this won’t happen again, but it does!
Bad experiences or mistakes will be repeated. This can be good news! Why on earth would do I think this?!
Because it means we keep getting chances to change and mend.
Why do we do repeat patterns?
We repeat and reenact what feels familiar to us.
We repeat what we have learned in childhood and has been reinforced over time, because at one point this behaviour would have helped us get a need met, more than likely a base need of psychological safety and/ or love. We then continue a behaviour, even when it no longer serves us or gets our needs met because it is identified as the safest thing to do.
We also repeat something that was traumatizing, because our unconscious brain is trying to help us process it.
Behaviours can still be helpful and positive now, but some may be doing more harm than good.
However, it’s possible to unlearn ways of being, to break the patterns that no longer serve us, so you can reconnect to your true self and to a happier and repaired you.
How to challenge and change these patterns?
It can be scary to challenge the patterns and it takes a bit of time, commitment and conscious effort. But it can be done.
First, you need to become aware of the patterns.
To do to this you can reflect on your behaviours and thoughts. You can think about:
What factors or situation led to your unwanted behaviours or thoughts.
How they make you feel.
What are your beliefs about yourself, others, the world? Do they fit who you are now?
If there is any discomfort, unease or tension this can mean these ways of beings are not right for you now.
The second step is challenging the thoughts and behaviours that are repeated:
Gently remind yourself that these ways of being were learnt, and served at some point (i.e. try to be kind to yourself rather than beat yourself up for doing them!)
What behaviours and thoughts would you like now, that are in line with your values and beliefs?
What would be a more balanced or helpful thought or behaviour?
Are there any unmet needs leading you to feel or act the way you do?
Thirdly, keep challenging!
The thoughts or behaviours realistically won’t change overnight. The more you are consciously aware of, the more you can challenge anything that doesn’t suit and create new patterns and ways of being that do!
When You Need A Little Help
Sometimes, the thoughts and behaviours may be too ingrained or too difficult to change by ourselves. When this is the case, you might consider finding someone to work with to help you to do the repair work, to become more self-aware of patterns of behaviour, to uncover underlying beliefs, process any traumatic wounds, so that you can be free from them.
I can offer you a safe, non-judgemental, warm space to help you to explore, understand and give voice to your thoughts, feelings, emotions and experiences and to help you understand your patterns and ways of being, and to help you challenge and change ones that no longer serve you.
I invite you to get in touch to see how you can empower yourself to create positive change.